


Trepidation

by Ailill (orphan_account)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Romance, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-20
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 03:08:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1051813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Ailill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren wants to take their relationship a step further. Levi doesn't know how to tell him.</p><p>Contains trans!Levi and cute, awkward and accepting Eren.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trepidation

Eren sighs, brushing the hair out of his face. It’s a clear day and the room seems to absolutely glow. He’d just finished cleaning it, and Eren has to admit, he’d done a pretty fine job. The floors were washed, along with the windows, and he had dusted every surface he could find.

He sighs again, nearly jumping when he hears Levi’s voice from behind him.

“Good work.” he says. Eren turns to face him and is pleasantly surprised to feel another pair of lips on his own.

They pull away, Eren grinning at the praise.

“I’m glad I could finally meet your expectations for once,” and he _is_ glad _._ Levi’s expectations are high in every situation, and cleaning is probably at the top of the list.

Eren leans back in again to kiss him. It’s been a while since Eren confessed his feelings to the Corporal, and even though Levi was hesitant at first, they’re now very comfortable with each other. Levi will come up to kiss him greeting or goodnight, and Eren can easily do the same. Sometimes they lie side by side at night in secret, even though they both know that Eren needs to be locked up alone.

Eren still finds himself wanting _more_ though. He wants to be closer, as close he can possibly be to Levi.

His hands are already moving. He puts his arms around Levi’s neck and tugs at his hair, deepening the kiss. Levi responds with enthusiasm, moaning softly, and wraps his arms around Eren’s waist, pulling him close. This gives Eren confidence, and feeling encouraged, he moves one of his arms down. His right hand tugs at Levi’s tucked in button up shirt, pulling it up enough to slip his hand underneath to feel warm skin. Feeling excited, he slides his hand up Levi’s stomach, when a hand grabs his arm to stop the movement. Levi pulls away.

Eren looks at him with confusion.

“W-what’s wrong?” he asks. That couldn’t have been too much, had it? Levi was _clearly_ enjoying himself just as much as Eren had been.

“Your hands,” Levi starts, his breath unsteady. “They’re sweaty and dirty from cleaning.”

Eren gapes at him, and then closes his mouth, looking thoughtful.

“Alright. Next time I’ll be sure to have cleaned up first,” Eren smiles, trying his best to hide his disappointment.

Levi nods, and steps back. He still doesn’t look entirely convinced, for some reason. Eren wonders why.

He keeps wondering, even after Levi gives him a quiet _I should get going,_ and stalks out of the room.

\---

Levi walks quickly down the hall, trying to regain his usual formal composure, but his face is still slightly flushed and his heart is racing.

He’d have to tell Eren at _some_ point, he thinks, feeling slightly sick. They both wanted the same thing – to be closer, to make each other happy. He knew Eren meant no harm, but he’s frustrated anyway.

 _Stupid hormonal brat,_ Levi thinks, scoffing to nobody, and continues down the hall.

\---

Eren tries again a day later, after dinner, when all the tables have been cleared, and he and Levi are the only ones left in the room.

He’s standing, leaning against the wooden table, and lifts up his arms, gesturing for Levi to come closer. 

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Levi says, but his voice is gentle as he walks up to Eren, feeling two arms wrap around his back and pull him into a hug.

Levi has noticed that Eren is very prone to hugging, especially when it gets late. He knows it’s probably due to being treated like an outsider everywhere he goes. There are some serious trust issues going on within the squad, and Petra is really the only one who will come up to talk to Eren every now and then. Hanji, although by no means do they mean any ill intent, tends to treat Eren more like a test subject than a human boy.

 _He really is just a kid,_ Levi thinks, and lightly kisses Eren’s jaw.

And then Eren’s hands are moving again, running his fingers down Levi’s spine. It makes Levi shiver, and he arches his back.

Eren is kissing him on the mouth now, and it feels really, really good. His body is responding, and his face is starting to heat up. Eren’s fingers grip at his hips, and then he feels a hand on his thigh.

_No._

He freezes.

_I can’t._

He’s pushing Eren away, and stepping back.

_I can’t do this. I can’t tell him yet._

And then Eren is giving him that _look,_ and it’s kind of painful to look at but he doesn’t have a choice.

“I just remembered I’m supposed to meet with Erwin,” he lies. “I’m sorry, Eren.”

He turns, and leaves without glancing back.

He only hopes he hasn’t crushed Eren’s self-esteem more than it already has been.

Levi doesn’t know where he’s walking. He’s pretty sure this is the direction to his room, but he’s too lost in thought to pay attention properly. That’s when he runs into not Erwin, but Hanji.

He walks right into them, actually, and immediately he’s pulled out of his thoughts.

“Whoa! Levi, I didn’t see you there,” they say. It seems both of them weren’t quite paying attention. A moment passes, and then Hanji takes a good look at his face. “Hey, are you okay?”

He’s slightly surprised at the question. Was he that easy to read? No. Probably only someone like Hanji, or Erwin, would notice if something was bothering him.

And maybe Eren, too.

“It’s nothing,” he says, though he knows Hanji would understand if he told them.

“Is it about Eren?”

He’s startled, and stares at them.

“What?” he asks.

“It’s about Eren, right? You can’t fool me. I’ve noticed how close you two are now.” They say. “He hasn’t found out or something, has he?”

Leave it to Hanji, being able to read him like a book. The two of them, along with Erwin, have known each other so long, they are like family. They _are_ family.

“No, no he hasn’t,” Levi says, and hesitates for a moment. “But... I want him to know.”

Hanji is silent, and waits for him to speak.

“He’s been uh, sort of making _intimate_ moves on me.”

They give him a sympathetic look, a small smile on their face.

“Well, do you want him to be making these _intimate_ moves on you?”

“Yes,” he whispers.

“But you’re worried how he’ll react when he finds out.”

Levi doesn’t say anything. Why was he getting so worked up over what some stupid _brat_ thinks anyway?

He already knows the answer to that, though.

“Well, you’re his childhood hero. He looks up to you right?” Hanji says. “And, he’s a titan, after all. He knows how it feels to be an outsider too. To be different.”

Levi lifts his head up at that. Although Hanji usually tends to let their excitement take over, they really are quite perceptive. Hanji continues to surprise him, even now, after all the time they’ve spent together.

“You’ll figure it out.” He feels a hand grab his shoulder in reassurance. “You’ll know when to tell him.”

And at that, Hanji walks by, leaving Levi standing in the middle of the hall.

_I’ll know when to tell him._

\---

Eren is frustrated, but he hasn’t given up yet. Two days later, he’s walking beside Levi, following him to his room in one of the ground level hallways. It’s after dinner and it’s getting late, and Eren has made sure that he’s washed his hands.

Why was Levi avoiding him every time they got too close? Was he doing something wrong? Did Levi not like him that way? No, that can’t be it. Levi always responded with passion. Maybe he thought he was doing Eren a favour. Maybe he thinks of Eren as just a stupid kid who’s desperate for a lover, or for human contact.

He’s getting angry just thinking about it. He has to do _something_ to reassure Levi that he actually _has_ thought this through, and that he only wants _Levi,_ and no one else. He just wants him to be _happy,_ and Eren wants to be the source of that happiness.

He takes his left hand and reaches for Levi’s right, and grasps on tight. Levi turns to face him, and Eren can see the hint of concern on his face.

Then Eren grabs his other hand, turning so they’re face to face.

“Why?” he asks, inching closer. “Why is it every time I try to touch you, you pull away?”

Levi doesn’t speak. Instead, he stares, looking up at him. Moments pass, and that only makes Eren even more frustrated. Why won’t he _say_ something?

“Levi!” he demands, his voice close to shouting. He can’t hold back the hurt in his voice.

Eren presses forward, and pushes Levi right up against the wall. He’s upset that he’s getting no answer, and before his mind can tell his body what he wants it to do, he’s pulling at Levi’s collar and roughly starts to kiss at his neck. Levi lets out a soft mewl, and then his hands are behind Eren’s head and in his hair. It’s a very alluring sound, and it makes Eren want to take him right there against the wall.

He sucks. He bites. His hands violently grasp at Levi’s hips again, a lot like before. There’s so much _heat_ and that wonderful feeling of warmth is travelling down his body. It feels really good, so good, that Eren presses his arousal against Levi’s thigh, and they both moan from the contact.

His hands rush down from Levi’s hips, and right before as he reaches in between his legs, two strong arms grab him and shove him away.

He feels like crying.

“ _Why?!_ ” he demands. “You’re _clearly_ enjoying it too. Why won’t you let me? Wh—“

And then he stops, horrified.

Was that fear on Levi’s face?

Yes. It was.

That was definitely a look he’d never seen on him before. It was scary, seeing _Corporal Levi_ look _scared_ , especially when he was looking at Eren. His stomach is suddenly tight, and the horrible feeling of guilt grabs at his heart.

“Levi… I’m sorr—“

“Come with me,” Levi says, his voice quiet and monotone, but Eren knows he’s hiding his feelings.

Eren follows Levi to his room. Once the door is closed, the Corporal locks it, and then takes Eren’s hand and guides him to sit down on the edge of the bed beside him.

Eren has calmed down, and he can tell Levi is trying to work up the courage to say something. Eren sits, patiently.

Levi isn’t looking at Eren. He’s looking straight ahead at the wall, but Eren doesn’t think he’s really looking at anything at all. Minutes pass.

“Eren,” Levi finally says. “The reason I’ve been pushing you away… there’s something I haven’t told you.”

Eren waits, curious, and also scared. His worry must be evident on his face, because then Levi quickly says,

“I’m not sick. Don’t worry. It’s nothing serious.” Levi says, and relief instantly washes over the younger soldier. He keeps his mouth shut, however.

“Alright,” Levi says, hesitating for a moment. “Let’s get this over with.” And then he’s slipping his jacket off his shoulders. He undoes the gear across his chest and takes his cravat off, folding them and leaving them on the bed beside him.

Eren watches, and doesn’t look away as Levi starts to unbutton his shirt. He’s confused, until he sees the bandages.

Wait.

“You’re a girl?” he asks, confusion taking over his features. How was that possible?

“No,” Levi says quickly, looking straight at him. He’s scowling, and Eren can tell the comment made him uncomfortable. “Don’t jump to conclusions, idiot. Physically yeah, but I’m a man.”

Eren can’t help but stare at his chest. Dozens of questions pop into his head.

“You’re a guy,” Eren repeats. Well yeah, that’s what he always _thought._ He swallows. “Does anyone else know?”

“Hanji and Erwin know.” Levi says. Oh. That would… make sense, after all. “I’ve always felt like this, even when Erwin took me into the Scouting Legion. Erwin and Hanji, they’re like my family, Eren.”

Levi sighs, his right hand clutching onto the front of his shirt.

“I understand if you want to stop this, Eren. I’m quite older than you anyway, and I understand if—“

“No! No way. Never.” Eren interjects. “You’re still the same Corporal Levi I’ve always looked up to,” he looks down at his hands, embarrassed. “The same Corporal Levi I have feelings for.”

_I love you, and because of that, I’ll love everything about you._

The relief that takes over Levi’s face is extremely evident. Eren suddenly feels very stupid for trying to press Levi into a situation he wasn’t entirely comfortable with earlier.

“I’m sorry, I pushed you into that,” Eren whispers. “I didn’t know. I guess you don’t really want to be touched then, do you? We don’t have to.” He can feel the disappointment well up inside him, but he’s willing to sacrifice anything he has to for Levi’s sake.

“No. I want to.” Levi says. “If it’s with you, I want to.”

Eren looks up at that, and blushes.

“A-are you sure?”

“Yeah. Did I stutter, idiot?” Levi says, but his voice is fond, and he leans in to kiss Eren on the mouth. It starts out chaste, but as always, the pace begins to quicken and it becomes needy. Levi bites down on Eren’s bottom lip, and Eren can’t help but moan into his partner's mouth, and against the tongue that forces its way in. Eren sucks, gently, and then harder. It’s Levi’s turn to moan, taking his left hand and slowly sliding it down Eren’s side, until it’s resting in Eren’s lap.

Eren’s trousers are becoming uncomfortably tight again, especially with Levi’s hand so close to his crotch. He’s pretty sure that Levi is teasing him without even meaning to.

Levi’s shirt is still half open, and Eren opens his eyes slightly to stare. He wants to kiss Levi, everywhere – down his neck, his chest, his stomach…

So Eren acts on it. He breaks the kiss and moves further back onto the bed, pulling Levi’s hand to follow. Then he turns to push Levi down, and straddles him.

“Before we do anything, Eren, you should really take off your gear,” Levi says, his voice unsteady. He reaches for the buckle on Eren’s chest to undo it. Taking the strap in his small hand, he pulls Eren forward. The action is somehow alluring, and it only seems to make Eren’s arousal even more painfully obvious.

 “And Eren,” Levi says, his voice suddenly serious. “You can’t go in. Not today. I _will_ kill you. That’s off limits.”

He’s gotten Eren’s gear off on both his legs and chest, and Eren tosses it on the floor beside them.

“Anything that makes you happy, Levi,” Eren says, trying his best not to sound embarrassed. “I want you to be comfortable.”

He sees Levi’s face flush as he looks away, and then Eren wants to kiss him again. He does, starting with his forehead, then his nose, his jaw, his neck. By the time he gets to his shoulders he’s sucking hard, and he _knows_ there will be bruises in the morning. He feels sort of smug.  The idea of leaving his mark on the _Corporal_ really turns him on.

When he’s kissing the top of Levi’s chest, right above the bandages, he works at the last few buttons on the light gray shirt. Levi arches his back so Eren can take it off him.

Then Eren places a hand on top of the bandages, lightly.

“What about this?” he asks, softly.

“Yeah, don’t touch that either.”

“Okay,” he says, and starts to kiss underneath instead, down his stomach. When he moves his mouth lower, he earns a low moan from Levi.

And then he’s working at the belt buckle with shaking hands. He’s honestly still not entirely sure what Levi wants him to do.

Eren takes a deep breath.

“C-can I use my fingers?” Eren asks, trying not to sound shy again. He wants to make Levi happy, and needs to be absolutely sure.

“Yes, that’s fine.” Levi says, closing his eyes.

Alright. He can do this. Eren tugs Levi’s trousers off, and then his underwear. Damn, he hopes he doesn’t look nervous, because, well, he _is_ nervous. Levi’s eyes are closed though, fortunately.

“Tell me if it hurts,” Eren says, moving his hand in between Levi’s legs. Levi merely nods in response.

He _really_ isn’t sure where Levi wants him to touch. He just knows that he really wants to hear Levi make those sounds again, those sounds that Eren manages to get out of him sometimes when he kisses him. It’s never easy, though.

He takes his index finger and starts to rub gently, waiting for some sort of reaction. Levi’s eyes are still closed. He… looks content, but Eren can’t really tell.

“Is… is this okay?” he asks. Levi sighs.

“Yes, Eren. Don’t worry. We’ve hardly _done_ anything.” he says.

“O-okay. Sorry,” Eren says.

“Don’t be so nervous. I’ll tell you if I’m uncomfortable.”

Eren starts moving his finger again. He watches Levi’s face for any sign of discomfort, but so far he still looks content. His eyes trail down his chest to really take a look at his body. Levi’s hips are wider than he initially realized, wider than his own. His stomach is toned, and he’s very in much shape, almost like Mikasa, but his body doesn’t look like hers either. He’s smaller than her, but he doesn’t look fragile like Armin does. He’s… Levi, and to Eren, Levi is perfect. He looks beautiful when he fights and he’s graceful at everything he does, and it suddenly hits Eren again that this is _Corporal Levi_ who’s under him, who loves him, who _he loves_ and no one else. Damn, now he _really_ wants to please him.

He kisses Levi on the lips, and forces his mouth open with his tongue. It feels _good_ , and it gives Eren confidence again. He adds another finger, and moves them faster.

That’s when he feels Levi’s lips twitch against his, trying to stifle a moan. Yes, that’s what Eren wants to hear more of. It’s as though someone hit the on switch of his determination, and his fear slowly fades away. His fingers are now moving fast and… wow they’re kind of really wet now and that’s a good thing right? _Yes, duh Eren, it’s a good thing._

When they break the kiss, Levi’s breathing is unsteady, and the look on his face goes right to Eren’s arousal. He can’t help it. He takes his free hand and moves it to the front of his trousers, undoing them.

And then he’s moving his hand, and it feels wonderful as he stares down at Levi, watching his lover begin to pant beneath him. Levi notices Eren’s actions immediately, however. He takes his hands that were around Eren’s back (Eren can’t even remember when that happened) and occupies them with his length instead.

Eren nearly chokes, biting back a moan. Warm, calloused fingers slide up and down, and it feels _really_ nice.

His hand, now free once again, moves to massages the inside of Levi’s thigh. He’s less afraid with his fingers now, and when he pushes his limits, Levi lets out a particularly loud moan. He’s arching his back, and starts to thrust his hips repeatedly into Eren’s hand.

Oh. There we go. Eren must have hit a particularly sensitive spot, so he applies more pressure in the same place.

“ _Eren_ ,” Levi groans, his voice filled with desire. “There. Don’t stop.”

Eren doesn’t. He does exactly what he’s told, adding another finger. Levi is whispering his name, his hands on Eren’s length trembling slightly as they move, but it still feels good nonetheless.

“L-levi,” Eren whimpers. He’s definitely fantasized about this before, especially during the last few nights when he was frustrated that his lover had kept avoiding him. Just the thought of Levi touching him, wanting him, always made him come so quickly.

Although his visions had been a little different, since he wasn’t aware of Levi’s true sex before now, this was no less perfect.  He was still hovering above Levi, watching his pretty face make all sorts of expressions that nearly pushes Eren to his limit right there.

He feels extremely special, to be honest. He’s the only one to know Levi’s secret other than Hanji and Erwin, and they’re practically his family. Levi had opened up to _him_ , because he _wanted_ Eren to know. He trusted Eren that much.

That was a really nice feeling.

“Eren, I-“ Levi’s body begins to tremble, and Eren knows he’s very, very close. Levi is panting, hard, and he’s quickly thrusting his hips up to meet Eren’s movements, as though he’s lost all control.

The last thing Eren hears is his name, _Eren Eren Eren_ , before his fingers are suddenly very wet and sticky. Pleasure has taken over his face, and it’s absolutely beautiful.  At that, Eren is quick to follow, and now Levi’s hands and chest are covered in white and Eren knows he’s blushing _really_ hard.

They take a moment to finally calm themselves. Levi is catching his breath when his eyes flutter open. He smiles ever so slightly, and it makes Eren’s heart hurt in the best way possible.

“Was that… that was okay, right?” Eren asks, and he’s catching his breath too. Levi almost laughs.

“Okay? That was more than okay, Eren,” he says, and he’s pulling Eren down to lie down beside and against him.

“I don’t want to move… ever…” Eren says. He feels exhausted. “We should clean up though.”

He looks over. Levi’s eyes are already closed, and he appears to be drifting off.

“Levi! Don’t sleep yet. I still want to talk to you!” Eren says, poking Levi’s face. He stirs, opens his eyes and turns on his side to face the younger soldier.

“What?”

Feeling suddenly shy, he snuggles his face into Levi’s shoulder, and hugs him close.

“How long have you felt this way?” he asks, and then realizes the wording he used was kind of weird. “I mean, when did you realize that you were a guy? I’m just wondering… And you don’t have to say if you don’t want to…”

Levi shakes his head, and kisses the top of Eren’s head.

“For a very long time. I was a child.” He says, his voice soft. “I’m not sure exactly how it happened. I was very poor, and lived on the streets with other children. They were mostly boys.”

He closes his eyes, thinking.

“We were all equals. We understood each other. But then things started _changing_ and I was really fucking upset about it. There were also girls, obviously, and they spoke about it like it was normal and something to look forward to, and I would think _are you kidding me? This needs to stop._ Every single day, I wished the changes would end.

“Eventually I met Erwin, and ended up joining the Scouting Legion… I had been binding already by then. I didn’t tell anyone, and I changed in secret, until Hanji accidentally walked in on me. Just as I started seriously threatening them, they explained to me that they did the same thing. I think it’s obvious why we instantly clicked.”

Eren is quiet, lying there, listening. He thinks, Levi’s voice is very soothing to listen to.

“So, how did Erwin find out?”

Levi smiles, slightly.

“Erwin was _constantly_ looking out and watching over me. It was sort of annoying, at times, but he really did feel like family, even then. It was I who told him, actually. I was having a lot of trouble breathing because bandages fucking hurt and he wouldn’t stop asking if I was alright, so I just got him in private and told him. He told me I should take them off because they were hurting me, and I sort of yelled at him. But he accepted it, eventually. He still bothers me now about it though.”

Eren hugs him tighter.

“Do they hurt right now?”

“They’re uncomfortable, and I usually take them off before I go to sleep, because they’re dangerous to wear to bed.”

Eren sits up.

“Levi! Take them off then!” he insists. “Please! I’ll even leave if you want.”

“Don’t you dare leave,” Levi tugs him back down. “Fine. It’s fine,” His voice sounds a little dazed. “I just had sex with you for crying out loud. It’s fine.” He sounds as though he’s trying to make himself feel better, and it kind of hurts to listen to. Eren, thinking it’s the appropriate thing to do, turns to hide his face in the sheets while Levi takes the bandages off.

A moment passes, and it sounds like Levi has stopped moving.

“It’s alright, Eren. You can look.” Levi says, and when Eren looks at him he’s already under the covers.

Eren lies there, beside him, unsure of what to do. He doesn’t want to invade Levi’s space now that he’s uncomfortable, but he really wants to cuddle him again too.

“Eren,” Levi whispers, his back to him. “Come closer.”

And Eren does so. Hesitantly, he presses his front to Levi’s back, and wraps his arms around his waist. He presses his nose into the warmth of Levi’s shoulder and breathes in.

“I want to stay like this forever,” Eren whispers. “Levi, I love you a lot.”

Levi is quiet for a while, and Eren wonders if maybe he fell asleep. He kisses his shoulder gently.

“Yes, Eren. And I love you back, in case that wasn’t obvious.” Levi answers.

He tightens his grip in response.

_I’m so happy._

“Hey Levi, we’ll do what we did again, right?” he asks, still feeling slightly shy, and immensely guilty for trying to force Levi earlier.

“Yes, if you behave, you hormonal brat,” is Levi’s reply.

Eren can only laugh. He doesn’t think about the bad things that weigh down on his heart, and he doesn’t think about tomorrow, or all the chores he has to do, or the training he has to face. He only cares about right now, with Levi in his arms, the man who loves _him._ They were going to be happy, and he hopes Levi thinks so too.

He wants to talk to Levi more, ask him more, but he can feel his consciousness fading and before he knows it he’s asleep.

When Eren awakens the next morning, Levi is still asleep beside him. Smiling to himself, he cuddles his face closer into Levi’s shoulder, and relishes the feeling. Sunlight peers through the window in the room, and Eren can’t help but admit that even this small world within these walls is beautiful too. Levi’s quiet breaths and close warmth puts him at ease. As long as Levi is here, an equal to stand beside him, he’s happy. As long as Levi is here, he has a world worth fighting for.

**Author's Note:**

> I love the idea of ftm!Levi a lot, so I wanted to write something for it. There can never be too many transgender headcanons, so I thought why not? I'm going to write more containing ftm!Levi, for sure.
> 
> Also, I want to say that Eren is eighteen here. When I read the manga for the first time, I honestly thought Eren, Mikasa and Armin were all at least eighteen, and I thought Levi was a lot younger than the age we later found out him to be. I prefer to see Eren as eighteen (and it makes more sense with his relationship with Levi), so this can be an AU where he is, haha.
> 
> edit: A really really lovely person, [HopesFeathers](http://archiveofourown.org/users/HopesFeathers) is currently drawing a wonderful [fan comic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1951965) for this fic. I can't describe how happy this makes me. Please go check it out, because the art is super cute and it gives me lots and lots of feelings. Thank you so much again, HopesFeathers!!


End file.
